I love mornings! It's the possibilities for the day, the newness, leaving yesterday behind. Let's get real, it's the coffee . . .And it's the snuggles. The little guys come up and snuggle mama while they are watching shows. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Actually, I need some coffee now.
. . .
But, I have to be honest with you. I do struggle, even before Chad passed away. I come to a point in the morning where I don't know what I want to do, but I know I don't want to stay at home. I don't like to spend the day at home unless it's just me in my jammies with no one else relying on me. I feel stuck in these four walls, bouncing around doing the same thing again and again: pick up toys, do dishes, do laundry, see projects that need doing but--with the boys--no time to do them. Typically, I spend the morning thinking of all the things that I want to do, get overwhelmed, spiral into anxiety-mode. I'll start things and then stress to get them done amidst chaos and brother fights and . . . poop (literally).
I do read the Bible in the morning. No, I don't have a good, quiet 30 minutes. That would be ideal and most successful, but in this season, it's not happening. I trust that time will return. I read the Bible while the boys are snuggling on me and the TV is on. Just giving you the real picture here. I try to understand what God is telling me while the dogs want to go out, the boys are demanding shakes, and the coffee has yet to reach my brain.
A lot of times I feel unsuccessful. Wait, what is "success" in Bible reading?? I guess I think of success as walking away feeling like I've had a conversation with God. Lately, I have skimmed the passage, felt like I received no information, written in my journal the same old things that I always do, closed it and moved on with the day. And I've thought, "What was the point of that?"
I'm sharing this because I think it happens to all of us. I have two voices in my head. (Don't be alarmed. I think it's normal.) One knows exactly what I'm supposed to do and urges me to do it. She's a big ol' nerd. The other is lazy: she tells me that it's all good and I can just float along doing whatever I feel like doing.
I'm realizing the result of following the nerd is way better than following Lazy Lauren. The Nerd leads me to read and, whether I feel it or not, that brings me closer to God. She urges me to go on a run, which relieves so much anxiety and allows me to respond calmly to my boys' daily issues. The Nerd's choices lead to successes farther out than the moment I'm in.
Sometimes Lazy Lauren wins. I'll watch some TV, eat some things I'm not supposed to, waste time on Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest. I can't be nerdy all the time. I wanted to reflect today on how I'm feeding my own anxiety. I'm seeking more calm and more peace. Reading, running, writing, brings more peace for me. What works for you?
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