Morning! It's a Friday gift! I'm up and the children are asleep. They still both get up around 5:00, but today they went back to bed at least. As I type this, I hear a little man switch off his sound machine and turn on his light, so big boy will be here soon asking for "something to eeeeeeeeat."
*******
I'm joining you now, a week and a couple of days later.
This is my habit in blogging lately, catch as catch can, really. And so goes everything else too. I'd love to tell you that the months between now and Chad's death have helped, but I am only starting to feel the loss. Grief is so weird and so unique to each of us. Most of the time, I'm on autopilot. So, please don't confuse my ability to function with strength. My emotions are generally shut down and I am completely disengaged. A shield covers my heart and the only things that penetrate are those two little guys. When I look at them, I feel love. In most other circumstances, I am numb. Of course, I love my friends and family so much, but it's just a fact right now, not a feeling.
And I love you all. You are so supportive of me. Many of you are asking how am I enjoying teaching. I am loving it. I like to complain about the goofballs, but they are helping me stay sane. How often do you hear that from a teacher? Staying busy was a great choice and forcing myself out of the house everyday has been refreshing. The boys have pretty much adjusted to daycare. They love the activity and the social aspect. So, I'm very happy with how all of this has turned out.
Spiritually, I feel like I've been in a dry spell. I think I touched on this last time a bit. This is a seriously rough patch in my life and I am reminded that God is here, but I think my own circumstances have distracted me from His voice. I am reading almost everyday and I am praying, but only now starting to hear a little of what He is telling me. If I look around me, I am so sad. I am brought down to doubt and dismay. When I refocus, I am reminded to trust and reflect on all that God has done for us. He is the same today as He was yesterday. And I can think about Chad healed and well in heaven. I can think about how much He loves Chad. I want reassurance that Chad is okay--just as I think he is--but I can wait.
A group of us went to the UNOS soiree last night. I didn't think I was going to go this year, but---like in so many other areas of my life right now--I know I have to keep living, doing things. A lot of time I think about this in terms of things for the kids, but it's true for me too. Time can't stand still while I heal. What was the alternative? Sit at home and dwell on my circumstance. Not a better idea by any means. Surprisingly, I didn't feel weird without Chad there. I went before without him while he was in the hospital, so maybe my brain just figured this was the same thing. Brains are weird and amazing. Throughout the day, I imagined him calling me and telling me about how cool everything was looking as they transformed the downstairs preparing for the party. While we were there, I thought about how he would be standing there, so proud of this company for all of the work that they do. He would have been so smartly dressed, socializing with the best of them, beaming from ear to ear. I miss his style, his confidence, his cool way of being. I miss everything. I relive so many of our days in my mind and sometimes I smile and laugh out loud at something we would have laughed at together, but other times my heart just feels so heavy. I am basically a sponge, one minute I'm just sitting there, the next I'm oozing tears and snot everywhere. It's not pretty.
I can't believe this is my life. I am just now starting to realize that eventually this stage will pass and I will shut the door on this chapter and move on. The weirdest part is that throughout my whole life, I have pictured what my future looked like, now I have absolutely no idea. Everything I thought was going to happen is not going to happen. Chad is not going to come back and be with me forever. It's the worst feeling. I feel like I'm only existing because I feel like maybe he's somewhere on this earth. When I realize he's not, I can't take it.
But, my story has a purpose and that keeps me going. God has me here for something and He will guide my steps. He promises to walk this path with me. My testimony is for His glory and He has given me a powerful story. I'm waiting to see where He takes me next.
Lead me, God, where You would have me go. I'm yours. I pray that those reading would realize that You are walking with them too. Guide their steps and allow their stories to glorify You. I pray this in Jesus's name, amen.
*******
I'm joining you now, a week and a couple of days later.
This is my habit in blogging lately, catch as catch can, really. And so goes everything else too. I'd love to tell you that the months between now and Chad's death have helped, but I am only starting to feel the loss. Grief is so weird and so unique to each of us. Most of the time, I'm on autopilot. So, please don't confuse my ability to function with strength. My emotions are generally shut down and I am completely disengaged. A shield covers my heart and the only things that penetrate are those two little guys. When I look at them, I feel love. In most other circumstances, I am numb. Of course, I love my friends and family so much, but it's just a fact right now, not a feeling.
And I love you all. You are so supportive of me. Many of you are asking how am I enjoying teaching. I am loving it. I like to complain about the goofballs, but they are helping me stay sane. How often do you hear that from a teacher? Staying busy was a great choice and forcing myself out of the house everyday has been refreshing. The boys have pretty much adjusted to daycare. They love the activity and the social aspect. So, I'm very happy with how all of this has turned out.
Spiritually, I feel like I've been in a dry spell. I think I touched on this last time a bit. This is a seriously rough patch in my life and I am reminded that God is here, but I think my own circumstances have distracted me from His voice. I am reading almost everyday and I am praying, but only now starting to hear a little of what He is telling me. If I look around me, I am so sad. I am brought down to doubt and dismay. When I refocus, I am reminded to trust and reflect on all that God has done for us. He is the same today as He was yesterday. And I can think about Chad healed and well in heaven. I can think about how much He loves Chad. I want reassurance that Chad is okay--just as I think he is--but I can wait.
A group of us went to the UNOS soiree last night. I didn't think I was going to go this year, but---like in so many other areas of my life right now--I know I have to keep living, doing things. A lot of time I think about this in terms of things for the kids, but it's true for me too. Time can't stand still while I heal. What was the alternative? Sit at home and dwell on my circumstance. Not a better idea by any means. Surprisingly, I didn't feel weird without Chad there. I went before without him while he was in the hospital, so maybe my brain just figured this was the same thing. Brains are weird and amazing. Throughout the day, I imagined him calling me and telling me about how cool everything was looking as they transformed the downstairs preparing for the party. While we were there, I thought about how he would be standing there, so proud of this company for all of the work that they do. He would have been so smartly dressed, socializing with the best of them, beaming from ear to ear. I miss his style, his confidence, his cool way of being. I miss everything. I relive so many of our days in my mind and sometimes I smile and laugh out loud at something we would have laughed at together, but other times my heart just feels so heavy. I am basically a sponge, one minute I'm just sitting there, the next I'm oozing tears and snot everywhere. It's not pretty.
I can't believe this is my life. I am just now starting to realize that eventually this stage will pass and I will shut the door on this chapter and move on. The weirdest part is that throughout my whole life, I have pictured what my future looked like, now I have absolutely no idea. Everything I thought was going to happen is not going to happen. Chad is not going to come back and be with me forever. It's the worst feeling. I feel like I'm only existing because I feel like maybe he's somewhere on this earth. When I realize he's not, I can't take it.
But, my story has a purpose and that keeps me going. God has me here for something and He will guide my steps. He promises to walk this path with me. My testimony is for His glory and He has given me a powerful story. I'm waiting to see where He takes me next.
Lead me, God, where You would have me go. I'm yours. I pray that those reading would realize that You are walking with them too. Guide their steps and allow their stories to glorify You. I pray this in Jesus's name, amen.
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