Love is not

Do you also struggle with finding the quiet? Being still long enough to let your brain rest? I find that, in my margins--the time when I'm not supposed to be doing something--I'm checking email, messages, Facebook. This morning, I am grateful for the sound of the dryer, my sleeping baby, and a preschool my son loves. I am also thankful that I didn't put on a load of wash because our washer sounds like a jet airplane taking off in our house. It is an all-consuming force and everyone must bend to its will.

Does your mind go a mile a minute? Mine too. As I am finally getting down to writing a LONG OVERDUE blog entry, my mind treacherously starts thinking about things that I want/ need to do, tasks for later or for tomorrow. It's like I have a semi-conscious fear of showing up somewhere unprepared. **Cue the dream where I show up without pants/ top/ etc. By the way, am I the only one to do a mental check as I'm leaving the house to make sure that I've covered my body with clothes and put on shoes? Notice that my standards for appearance are sort of low. It's a season, people! Besides, I see it as helping other people out there feel better about how they have chosen to present themselves. 

While it may not seem like it by my (or my house's) appearance most days, I am a control freak. Are you? As I mentioned earlier, I am always checking, thinking, busying. I want everything in order and it never is. Enter the constant tension in my mind. Enter the irritation that frequently flows from my mouth. I have been convicted for a long time about this. Love is not:

"rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged." Corinthians 13:5

I am called to love my neighbor as myself. My "neighbor" includes my husband, my sons. When I am irritated, I am putting myself and my needs before theirs. This realization is unclear when I am tired, hungry (hangry, people), or in a rush. But, these are not excuses. Frequently, I lose my patience when things are not going my way. When I can't let go of what I want. God is merciful and He is full of grace. Thank you, God!

Let go. That's the message that I have been receiving again and again. I hold so so so tightly to my own vision of what should be and to the things that I can't let happen. I grasp urgently and ferociously for Chad's health and the boys' safety. I want to control all outcomes and if anything falls short, I wonder what I did. I know this is insanity and detrimental to my health.

I do have wonderful moments of clarity in the middle of these storms and I realize that God is in control. I am His child. Even more reassuring to me is when He reminds me that His love for Chad and for Lincoln and Levi FAR FAR exceeds my love for them. His love is completely selfless and pure. He loves all four of us to a degree that our earthly minds can't imagine. My own perception has no effect on what He is doing in their lives. I can pray and make requests to Him from my heart, but His best plan is being played out. And we can trust that.

Whew! That was birthed from me just now and it felt good! I had one of my first full night's sleep in a long time last night and a second cup of coffee--All systems are a GO in the noggin!

Levi catching up on his beauty sleep

I pray that you can also find where you hold on too tightly today, right now. I pray that you can let go and give it up to God. He is trustworthy. Let me caution you, though: this is not a one-time thing. You will need to re-check and re-release time and again. Love y'all!