Coffee has been everything to my days lately. I feel like we are finally emerging from a very challenging season with the kids. I was going to say that it is sleep related, but that's not entirely true. It's also four-year old related (I honestly just typed four-years old and thought nothing of it. He's actually three, but he thinks he runs the show), and human-nature related and on and on it goes. Even weather related? I hate to admit that I am affected by something as fickle as the weather day-to-day, but I know that when it is bright, sunny, and warm, I feel like the weight of the world has lifted!
Levi is still not sleeping through the night. (Another one who thinks he runs the show.) I am starting to get serious about it now . . . I promise I am. I'm nearly to the point of getting earplugs. Controversial topic, I know, but he is used to getting up at certain times and he needs nothing. NOTHING I tell you! I feel like he just wakes up and thinks, "Hmmm, I could eat. Where is that woman? I know, I'll just . . . waaaaaaaaah!!" He's such a little sweetie pie though.
So, while we are deprived of sleep, so too goes our patience. The other child is pulling that string very hard, testing every limit from screen time to how many bites of dinner to putting on clothes. Something has to be said for his perseverance, though.
I started reading a book called Uninvited by Lysa Turkheurst. She is very open about feeling unloved, rejected, uninvited in her own life. She is very wise and while I don't have the same experiences as her, a lot of what she addresses is good for anyone. One thing that is sticking out to me from the book and that I see now in so many other areas too is the idea of being depleted. In this house, our supply of rest has been depleted (some days more than others, but I'm thinking about the general supply), so our patience is at a deficit already. If we are lacking in one area, other areas suffer also.
I've talked about how I know when God wants me to get the message, He usually uses several different avenues until I start to see some commonality. Well, this couldn't be more obvious! While I'm reading Uninvited, I also listened to a podcast describing a study where subjects were in a room filled with the smell of fresh-baked cookies. Before them was a plate of cookies and a bowl of radishes. Some were asked to eat the cookies, the others asked to eat the radishes. Afterwards, they were asked to complete a difficult puzzle. Wouldn't you know it, those who were asked to eat the radishes did worse than those who had the cookies. The theory is that those who had to use the willpower on the radishes were already depleted and could not give their all to the puzzle. Read here for more info. And then, my morning devotional focused on the verse "The woman said to Him, 'Sir, You have nothing to draw [water] with, and the well is deep." John 4:11 The elaboration in the devotional explained how the shortcomings that we see don't apply to God. We see lack and He is more than able to provide for whatever we need. Oswald Chambers writes:
"Or our misgivings begin within ourselves when we tell Jesus that our circumstances are just a little too difficult for Him. We say, [ . . . ] 'Jesus has nothing with which to draw water--no means to be able to give us these things.' And beware of exhibiting religious deceit by saying, 'Oh, I have no misgivings about Jesus, only misgivings about myself.' If we are honest, we will admit that we never have misgivings or doubts about ourselves, because we know exactly what we are capable or incapable of doing. But we do have misgivings about Jesus."
This struck a tough chord with me. We are limited by our human needs and constraints, and Jesus isn't. However, I tend to limit Jesus by what I know that I am incapable of doing. The days leading up to this entry were exhausting to me. Not just tired, but worn down. My shoulders slumped each time I thought about the next day and doing this day all over again. I know I have readers who understand. I had a deep well of need for rest and refreshment. I was taking out my need on my family: snapping at them, feeling angry in my heart because they were not cooperating with my ideal, and feeling a flood of self-pity and self-righteousness. It was ugly in my heart! I prayed again and again for this to change and kept being disappointed in my inward feelings and outward behavior.
That's when God spoke to me, as He does, so calmly and gently. He showed me (and reminded me, because He's shown me so many times before) that there was chaos in my mind and heart. He illuminated again where the noisiness is in my days came from, namely Facebook, emails, trying to focus on too many things at one time. I've started to slow down, which means turning of Facebook notifications and making quiet, alone time for myself throughout the day. (You may not be like me, but I am someone who is refreshed by very quiet space.) This might mean more screen time for Lincoln on some days or more chores left for later. It also means being more intentional about getting up early and having lunch packed and dishes done the night before. The days feel better when I can get time ahead of the boys and feel prepared for the day.
My heart and mind are lighter. Where are you? Do you share my struggles? I know we each have our own. I pray that God meets you where you are and reminds you that He has all of the resources at His fingertips to help you. He can reach deep within your well of need and draw up the water if you lean on Him. Ask Him to do this and keep asking. He does hear you. Love y'all!
Disclaimer: This entry has been two and a half days in the making, so please bear with the inconsistencies in time.
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