You are beautiful.

I have a pinball bouncing around in my mind, rumbling into my tummy, pacing the floors in my heart, and it's time to put it here. This is how it happens most of the time. God starts poking me in one direction, quietly, but persistently. And sometimes I am disobedient, turning the other way, distracting myself with the many things on my list until all the time of the day is squeezed out and I am too tired. 

Here's what I am finding. God is always so loving to me. I can be so harsh to myself and critical of others, but God is full of mercy, forgiveness. His love is endless and patient. 

You may be reading and you are not a Christian. Thank you for reading! I feel today I am called to share with you more about what my journey into Christianity looks like and encourage anyone reading with what God is speaking to me lately. For a while, I didn't know what this blog was all about besides just a place to record our family's journey. Now, I am realizing that I am here to encourage and nurture others, using what God has put on my heart and the Truths He has made real in my life. So, I'm not looking for advice or answers, just connection. I want you to know that if you identify with anything I am saying, you are not alone. 

I have dabbled in Christianity since I was small, going to church when I wanted to go, never forced to go. I was brought up to know that God was real, but I didn't see Him affecting my life. Truthfully, I didn't get much out of going to church. I bounced around to whatever youth groups my friends were going to (or the cute boys), and I cared more about having fun than learning about God.

In college, I didn't attend church and I didn't miss it. I never really thought about it. I got involved in all of the college activities. I dated and didn't think much about if the boys were Christian or not. I figured that would all work itself out. In my mind, I would marry a Christian because I thought I was one and I assumed most people were and they just had to mature into it. I fell hard for someone, who was not a Christian, and I am so glad, so thankful that God had a different plan for me. My heart was broken for a while, but I can look back and see the goodness in that. 

Finally, I met my One and only! He loved (and loves) me like no other and we are so happy together. He told me about his Cystic Fibrosis, but, I didn't think much about it being a problem. One day, after we'd been together for a year or so, Chad gets sick. It all happens so fast. He went to work in the morning and comes home early, worn out, can't breathe. He calls UVA (this was after only his first transplant) and they tell him to go to VCU for tests. We go and find out that he has developed pnuemonia and we will later find out that he also has RSV (which is found mostly in kids and not a problem for adults), as well as the flu. In the meantime, they decide to medflight him to UVA for care. They intubate him and sedate him. The next few days he is completely out of it. We don't know what to do, doctors are doing their best, but they can't encourage us. No one knew if he would be okay. I will never forget the deep helplessness I felt over these 4-5 days.  

I knew all I had was God to turn to. I searched for hope in the doctors' prognosis and there was nothing there. The reality that I saw was bleak. I asked God to come into this situation and act. Please pause with me for understanding here: I believe that God honors prayer and is glorified through prayer. I know that I cannot prompt God to do anything, no matter how many eloquent words I pile on or sweat and tears I let fall. God knows everything, beginning and end. He always acts in a way that is best for His children, so whatever the outcome, it was completely in His hands. I am so grateful that the best outcome for us in this situation was Chad's healing. (Because of this sickness, he had to be relisted, this time for a second transplant and I think you know the rest of the story. If not, contact me and I'll help with the gaps.) 

All of this is to say God is so good! And not just because He has healed Chad, but because He has called me to Himself through the struggles that we have faced. He continues to call me closer and into a deeper understanding of His love in the trials. Everyone's story is unique, but God's character is the same for me as it is for you. He is the same loving Father for all who come to Him through belief in His son, Jesus Christ. 

That brings me to the real point of this whole entry, a little long-winded here, but for some reason I think that was important to share today. 

Let me let the pinball out now. This is a common theme and one that I visited in my last post. For some reason, it won't let me go, so I continue to speak Truth to it. So often I fail. I fail in my interactions with Chad and the children and the dogs too. I fall short on my chores. I don't get the things done in my business that need doing. I don't meet the goals I have planned for myself. I am not wearing the clothes or styling my hair the way I like. And then the guilt and the criticism flows. I start to define myself by the things I have done or not done in the day/ week: "You are lazy." "You are late!" "You are short-tempered, irritable, unloving." "You are not creative, pretty, stylish, etc." The list goes on and on with the inner dialogue. 

I bought this picture from Hobby Lobby to remind myself who I am.

I placed it so that I can see it first thing when I come in the door: "You are altogether beautiful, my love, and there is no blemish in you." Song of Solomon 4:7 What a wonderful reminder that, because of what Jesus has done--His sacrifice on the cross--God sees me as beautiful. Even when I am not acting in a beautiful way. I could be losing my temper with the children as we are coming in the door (something that happens more often than I want to admit) and I see this. I feel my shoulders straighten up and a weight lifted. Thank You, God.

What are you telling yourself that isn't true? Have you accepted that God wants you to be His child and care for you? Even though we may be telling ourselves all of the ways that we fall short every day, every moment, God doesn't see His children like that. Let it all go and remember that you are amazing to the One who created everything. 

I pray that you walk forward today knowing that you can never be perfect. You're never going to be organized enough, pretty enough, secure enough in your money, creative enough, never going to be the person that gets it all right, but that's okay. Our appetite for these things knows no limit. In Christ, you are enough and you don't have to try with all your might. 

I pray that I have connected with someone today that needed to read this message. Thanks for taking the time this afternoon! Love y'all!