Seven years ago today--right about this time--I was at my wedding reception. We married around 2pm, in a little church in Mathews County, VA. It was the best day of my life, I was floating on air. You were so handsome, and so full of life and light. It all went perfectly, just as we planned, well, as I planned and you organized. I remember holding on to you as we drifted across the dance floor. I felt like we laughed all night. Magical is the only word for it.
And if you had told me then that you were only going to be here for 6 years and 11 months more, I would have told you then, "Let's do this the best that we can." We didn't know then if we had a year, 7 years, a day. And I have to say that has been a gift. Most of us just walk around thinking that we have a long lifetime ahead of us, but that's an illusion.
I told you then that I would walk the road with you, whatever came our way. And here I am, walking it. I agreed to this and--while it is devastatingly hard--I am happy that I am doing this because it means that I took the risk and decided to be your wife. And look at the life that followed! One of the hardest things for me right now is realizing that I no longer have that role as your partner. You have been a huge part of me for so long and now you are not here; half of me is gone. While I know that you are happy and healed, it's still just so hard walking through the day-to-day.
Everything has lost its flavor. The only thing that feels like happiness is seeing the smiles on our babies' faces. Otherwise, life is all bland toast. We used to love coming to the beach. I remember when I first came down to join you on your beach vacation. You were suntanned, relaxed, always laughing. So cool. You bought me a pair of Life is Good PJs to wear while I was here. Weren't you just the sweetest? We would love to read together, do crosswords, play games, play at the pool. While I'm vacationing now, I picture you here, as you were then. And it makes me smile while it also brings a tear to my eye.
We would have planned a dinner out tonight, just the two of us. In fact, I remember we did plan it! In March--or whenever it was that we planned this trip--we remembered that we would be here for our anniversary and we planned to go to the Black Pelican tonight. We would have left the kids with the grandparents and had a wonderful time splitting a bottle of wine, enjoying delicious food, talking about the future, and laughing, laughing, laughing. I loved to talk with you. I enjoyed you so much.
While we knew that our time together was probably going to be short, for some reason I also thought that you were invincible. The Chad Southward was always going to make it out okay. God was holding us in His hands, right? God encouraged me to marry you. I was praying about it before you ever proposed and God let me know that I should stay with you, and that it was going to be amazing. And isn't that what it's been? And it still is. What has come from your life, our marriage, these boys, has been encouraging for others.
I was thinking today about what what is it all for? All of the trials and tears. I think they are to encourage hope. Even when things are the worst they ever could be--or so you think--there's always reason to hope. I held on to hope the day you asked me to marry you, the day we married, the day we decided to pursue having children, the many days we walked into Duke, the day we took you into hospice. Every day, hope. And while I know you aren't here, and many people might think hope has failed us because the worst has happened, we hold onto the bigger hope that you are in heaven, healed and well, and we can still have life here. These boys will carry on many of your characteristics, we have a family here that cannot be separated, and we have ripple upon ripple of joy and encouragement.
I miss you and there aren't words to describe it. "Miss" isn't even the right word. There is a deep ache in my heart for you. But, I know if you were here, you would tell me that you understand and you would say that it's just something that we'll have to get through. You would encourage me that we will get through it together and to lean on God. Thank you for being you, Chad. We have had 11 amazing years together, and I wouldn't change a thing. Happy Anniversary, honey.
And if you had told me then that you were only going to be here for 6 years and 11 months more, I would have told you then, "Let's do this the best that we can." We didn't know then if we had a year, 7 years, a day. And I have to say that has been a gift. Most of us just walk around thinking that we have a long lifetime ahead of us, but that's an illusion.
I told you then that I would walk the road with you, whatever came our way. And here I am, walking it. I agreed to this and--while it is devastatingly hard--I am happy that I am doing this because it means that I took the risk and decided to be your wife. And look at the life that followed! One of the hardest things for me right now is realizing that I no longer have that role as your partner. You have been a huge part of me for so long and now you are not here; half of me is gone. While I know that you are happy and healed, it's still just so hard walking through the day-to-day.
Everything has lost its flavor. The only thing that feels like happiness is seeing the smiles on our babies' faces. Otherwise, life is all bland toast. We used to love coming to the beach. I remember when I first came down to join you on your beach vacation. You were suntanned, relaxed, always laughing. So cool. You bought me a pair of Life is Good PJs to wear while I was here. Weren't you just the sweetest? We would love to read together, do crosswords, play games, play at the pool. While I'm vacationing now, I picture you here, as you were then. And it makes me smile while it also brings a tear to my eye.
We would have planned a dinner out tonight, just the two of us. In fact, I remember we did plan it! In March--or whenever it was that we planned this trip--we remembered that we would be here for our anniversary and we planned to go to the Black Pelican tonight. We would have left the kids with the grandparents and had a wonderful time splitting a bottle of wine, enjoying delicious food, talking about the future, and laughing, laughing, laughing. I loved to talk with you. I enjoyed you so much.
While we knew that our time together was probably going to be short, for some reason I also thought that you were invincible. The Chad Southward was always going to make it out okay. God was holding us in His hands, right? God encouraged me to marry you. I was praying about it before you ever proposed and God let me know that I should stay with you, and that it was going to be amazing. And isn't that what it's been? And it still is. What has come from your life, our marriage, these boys, has been encouraging for others.
I was thinking today about what what is it all for? All of the trials and tears. I think they are to encourage hope. Even when things are the worst they ever could be--or so you think--there's always reason to hope. I held on to hope the day you asked me to marry you, the day we married, the day we decided to pursue having children, the many days we walked into Duke, the day we took you into hospice. Every day, hope. And while I know you aren't here, and many people might think hope has failed us because the worst has happened, we hold onto the bigger hope that you are in heaven, healed and well, and we can still have life here. These boys will carry on many of your characteristics, we have a family here that cannot be separated, and we have ripple upon ripple of joy and encouragement.
I miss you and there aren't words to describe it. "Miss" isn't even the right word. There is a deep ache in my heart for you. But, I know if you were here, you would tell me that you understand and you would say that it's just something that we'll have to get through. You would encourage me that we will get through it together and to lean on God. Thank you for being you, Chad. We have had 11 amazing years together, and I wouldn't change a thing. Happy Anniversary, honey.
Sweet Lauren, you are strong in our Lord and such an encouragement to so many. I love you, my prayers are w/ you & the boys. Brenda Puff
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