Pros and Cons of distractions

The noise around me--Lincoln playing, or demanding a game of "Hi, friends!," music, the to-dos of the day, Levi insisting on watching "Little Baby Bum" ("bumbumbumbum" 😍) is a welcome distraction most of the time. But, I have to say that sometimes it's nice to sit in my own thoughts. The quiet is welcome in this moment. I want to pour out tears whenever I want without having to explain them to anyone. I want to shove my face into Chad's drawer of clothes and just breathe them in. I want to scream from deep within me and then I want to stop doing it all suddenly without answering any questions.

I want to talk to Chad out loud and have time to think about what he might say back to me. I'm not sure if he can hear me or not. I don't think that the Bible talks about that. What I know is that he is perfectly complete in heaven. As much as it hurts my earthly mind and desires, he has no need for anything here now. If he could see me and hear me, I know that he would see my struggles with complete understanding. What I love is that he would have no pain or longing for this life, just knowledge about how great heaven is and he'd be excited to see me when I got there.

I still can't believe this has happened. The reality of it all comes to me in moments still, but the moments hurt more than they did at the beginning. It just seems too awful to live a life almost identical to the one we were living only without him in it. I think about how he was here just a few weeks ago and was passably okay just a few months ago. I would have said that he was well a few months ago, but it's clear looking back that he was declining. To say that my heart has been ripped out sounds over dramatic and it doesn't quite capture the feeling. That description is far too gruesome and immediate. It's more like the air was taken from the room. Like I was breathing fine and then all of the sudden someone turned off the oxygen supply. I think about the future and realize that new things will happen, things with the kids and the family and even in popular culture and he won't be in on those things. We can't comment on them together. I fear him slipping away from me. I want to keep him close to me and also realize that he can't stay so close forever, the fresh memory of the way he smelled, laughed, walked, talked. And then my heart breaks that I'll have to let him become a memory.

We are living the same life. Like he was just cut right out of it one day and the next day, everything was the same. My partner who has been by my side for 11 years just left the world and life marched on.

"I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I'll sing Your praise"

Hillsong United "Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)"

Hillsong United's live album Of Dirt and Grace has been on loop over here. The lyrics and the pace of the music is perfect for my heart right now. Some amazing songs: "Even When it Hurts (Praise Song)," "When I Lost My Heart to You," "Street Called Mercy," the list goes on and on. These songs were ones that Chad would put on YouTube and watch too, especially "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)," so that's an added draw. We played these all day in his last days at the Hospice House.

Why would I continue to praise God even after this? Why do I continue to cling to Him? Because He is everything. Chad's illness, suffering, pain wasn't given to him by God. God was all that we had to help us through it all. The Bible tells us "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17 Everything that we can enjoy in spite of the ugliness of this world is because of God. My children, family, laughter, sunny days, good food, beautiful landscapes, all of this is because we have a loving Creator who wants us to come to Him as His children.

He's all that I have in the midst of the pain and grief. If I look around at other solutions, I see filling my time with distractions that entertain and feed my eyes, ears, and belly, but all of it comes up empty in the end. And when I'm left alone I would only have despair if it weren't for God. I have the joy of knowing that Chad is full of life, energy, and love in heaven. I have the promises of God that He will restore everything that is lost here on earth. While that is hard to grasp right now, I can trust Him with everything I have. I know that I do not want what the world offers as an alternative to the God that I know.

Are you up tonight? It's a late night tonight for me. I was spending some quality time this evening with my Auntie Mabel who is one of our favorite doggie watchers. Chad's mom, the boys, and I crashed our friends' beach vacation and loved every minute of it! It was a welcome distraction and I loved that could just be however I showed up. We spent time talking about Chad and about grieving and we felt so supported and loved. We also spent time laughing and lounging. All around good for the soul. What distractions are helping you? Or are they? G'night, love y'all!