It's so impossible. All of this is just impossible. I spend 50% of the day in denial about what has happened. Not complete denial. I know in my mind that he is gone, but my heart doesn't want to feel it, so I go about life like everything is normal. Then, the other 50% of the time I want to feel everything. I want to let the weight of it all sit on my shoulders. I want to look at pictures, think about where we've been and the things that we've talked about and planned. I want to cry, scream, sob, until I don't have anything left. Then, get up and go about what needs to be done.
For Lincoln's sake, I try to keep it together when he's around. It's important that he understands that it's okay to be sad too, so I don't completely block him from my emotions, but I know that it's also not healthy to see mommy broken up constantly. I try the distractions: cleaning house, hanging out with friends, etc. And they work. There are days where I am just filling my time and they days drag on. Of course some are better than others.
We have a lot going on right now, so that's helpful. Trips to the beach and Big Boy's Fourth Birthday. He had a great time. I know he is grieving differently because of his age. I want to hear from him more about what his thoughts are, but he is a little too young to process what's going on. He can't really express how he misses daddy and the toys and activities are satisfying distractions for him. He is an all-around sweetie pie. I know that God gave him (and Levi) to us as a bright light during this dark time.
Every time I open my Bible app, God is giving me encouragement. It's like He knows that I don't have the discipline or energy to sit down and focus for an extended period of time, so He gives me the essentials right where I am. Monday, He reminded me: "be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 This verse has continued to show up. It started while we were in the hospital and I felt it was directed toward us (Chad's family) and Chad. Even though his body was weak, and we could see no physical evidence of it, I know that God was encouraging him in his darkest hour.
I talk to Chad all of the time. I've started to write to him too. I tell him about how much I miss him and love him, it helps, but it still feels empty. When I see the date of his death printed, I simply cannot believe it. I travel back in time to months or years ago and try to tell myself when he is going to die. And past-tense Lauren always assures me that it simply cannot be. 35 years old. Hold on, Lauren, he's going to die when he's 35. Certainly not! She says. He has many good years ahead of him.
But, I have peace that we have no regrets. Besides all of the fun adventures we dreamed about, there is nothing that I wish we had done while he was here and never did. There is nothing left unsaid. I am thankful that we lived every day knowing that life is short. I'm glad that we took chances. I'm thankful that I gave my heart away to someone that did not come with a guarantee. (None of us do, by the way.) We forgave each other quickly, and often, for words or actions performed hastily.
I like to think about him being here in the house. What would he be doing on a normal day? What would he say? I hate to think about how he was at the end. He was only a fraction of who he wanted to be. When I think about that, and remember that there was nothing else we could do here on earth, I find a little bit of comfort in where we are now.
You might read these same musings over and over again in my blog, but need I remind you that it's my blog? I don't think so. I know that I am not the only person to endure grief or the only one enduring it now. I don't know how you're coping, but I hope that my experience helps in some way. Love y'all.
For Lincoln's sake, I try to keep it together when he's around. It's important that he understands that it's okay to be sad too, so I don't completely block him from my emotions, but I know that it's also not healthy to see mommy broken up constantly. I try the distractions: cleaning house, hanging out with friends, etc. And they work. There are days where I am just filling my time and they days drag on. Of course some are better than others.
We have a lot going on right now, so that's helpful. Trips to the beach and Big Boy's Fourth Birthday. He had a great time. I know he is grieving differently because of his age. I want to hear from him more about what his thoughts are, but he is a little too young to process what's going on. He can't really express how he misses daddy and the toys and activities are satisfying distractions for him. He is an all-around sweetie pie. I know that God gave him (and Levi) to us as a bright light during this dark time.
Every time I open my Bible app, God is giving me encouragement. It's like He knows that I don't have the discipline or energy to sit down and focus for an extended period of time, so He gives me the essentials right where I am. Monday, He reminded me: "be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 This verse has continued to show up. It started while we were in the hospital and I felt it was directed toward us (Chad's family) and Chad. Even though his body was weak, and we could see no physical evidence of it, I know that God was encouraging him in his darkest hour.
I talk to Chad all of the time. I've started to write to him too. I tell him about how much I miss him and love him, it helps, but it still feels empty. When I see the date of his death printed, I simply cannot believe it. I travel back in time to months or years ago and try to tell myself when he is going to die. And past-tense Lauren always assures me that it simply cannot be. 35 years old. Hold on, Lauren, he's going to die when he's 35. Certainly not! She says. He has many good years ahead of him.
But, I have peace that we have no regrets. Besides all of the fun adventures we dreamed about, there is nothing that I wish we had done while he was here and never did. There is nothing left unsaid. I am thankful that we lived every day knowing that life is short. I'm glad that we took chances. I'm thankful that I gave my heart away to someone that did not come with a guarantee. (None of us do, by the way.) We forgave each other quickly, and often, for words or actions performed hastily.
I like to think about him being here in the house. What would he be doing on a normal day? What would he say? I hate to think about how he was at the end. He was only a fraction of who he wanted to be. When I think about that, and remember that there was nothing else we could do here on earth, I find a little bit of comfort in where we are now.
You might read these same musings over and over again in my blog, but need I remind you that it's my blog? I don't think so. I know that I am not the only person to endure grief or the only one enduring it now. I don't know how you're coping, but I hope that my experience helps in some way. Love y'all.
Love you girl!! I could not imagine what your dealing with. Please know I'm a phone call away. Call anytime If you need me there I will be. If you need sometime alone I'll take the boys and they can play with CJ. I am here! Continuing to pray for you, the boys and chads family!
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