I am grateful for each of you, readers. I am thankful that you are willing to listen (read) whenever I want to share. You are generous with your kindness and love. Thank you. 💗
You are aware of how we do this. I like to sit with my mind and heart open, ready to share what's been on my heart. When I have the time, I like to diffuse some of my essential oils (Focus is one of my favorites) and have a cup of tea, but I know that can be a bit overboard. In reality, it's enough to have both hands available to type.
What am I hearing/ reading consistently in the last few days? Do you ever examine this for yourself? I pray for ears to hear where God is directing me to go. Eyes to see where He is working in my life. Here's what's becoming more and more obvious to me, I can't mess up too big. He's got me. I don't have to fear the next step or making the wrong decision. I might misstep, but He is there to work His plan and guide me closer to His purpose every step of the way. He is full of grace and love for me, as an individual.
I have been swimming in a sea--wait, swimming is too competent of a word. I have been bobbing about, sputtering and coughing in a sea of what I should be doing versus what I am actually doing. I know we are in a particularly challenging season, so I don't let it get me too down, but it hangs out in the back of my mind. And, I know that if I were doing what I know I should be doing, I would probably be handling things a little better. If I was eating better, and indulging less, I would be feeling better. If I was accomplishing something, instead of marking time, I would feel more positive and upbeat. And, the biggest one for me--as well as the biggest challenge--if I was getting up early and spending time with God, I wouldn't feel like He isn't participating in my life. Sometimes, I am right on it. I am doing what I know I should be doing. My head is above the water. Other times, I'm slipping, grasping, crying, coughing, panting. Each day is a different story.
And while I'm washing dishes, God reaches down and reminds me that He is enough. Jesus is enough. I can't check enough boxes, complete enough to-dos, to reach some standard that I believe He has set for me. On my own, I can never make it. I'm a hamster on a wheel. But, because of Jesus's sacrifice for me, I can rest in all that He's already done. And in fact, it is sinful for me to try to earn my way into God's good graces. To do this is to ignore all that Jesus has done. I think I'm being a "good Christian," but God sees someone who is diminishing what Jesus has already done for me in favor of what I can do for myself.
I think all day long. Duh, right, we all do. My thoughts swirl and swirl and twist and turn constantly. They always have. I try to check in with myself about how I am doing. What I think grieving should look like versus what I am experiencing. And, it's different sometimes and other times it's exactly like they show in the movies. If I stay distracted or busy enough, I don't think about it and I am okay. Other times, I allow myself to think and experience it all. The loss, the emptiness, the longing. I love to indulge in his memory. I still can't believe that, on this earth, he is a memory. I look around at all of his things and think that surely he's somewhere because all of these things are here. Death is so cruel. Crushing, tearing. While I know it's not the end of the story for him or me, it's a long chapter.
Many times, I want to zone out completely. Turn on the TV and veg. Don't think about anything except what shenanigans Ross Poldark will get into next (no spoilers, please!). But, I can only stay on the sofa for so long. These boys demand and deserve more than that. I am so so grateful that God put these little guys in my life to carry me through the toughest of times and keep me busy and distracted just when I need it.
I am not angry. I don't know if that day will come. I feel more defeated than angry right now. Our circumstance was such that I'm not sure anger makes sense--long illness, suffering, awareness that death was coming. But emotions often don't make sense. We'll see what each new day brings. Truthfully, I only have enough strength for today, and barely that.
What am I hearing/ reading consistently in the last few days? Do you ever examine this for yourself? I pray for ears to hear where God is directing me to go. Eyes to see where He is working in my life. Here's what's becoming more and more obvious to me, I can't mess up too big. He's got me. I don't have to fear the next step or making the wrong decision. I might misstep, but He is there to work His plan and guide me closer to His purpose every step of the way. He is full of grace and love for me, as an individual.
I have been swimming in a sea--wait, swimming is too competent of a word. I have been bobbing about, sputtering and coughing in a sea of what I should be doing versus what I am actually doing. I know we are in a particularly challenging season, so I don't let it get me too down, but it hangs out in the back of my mind. And, I know that if I were doing what I know I should be doing, I would probably be handling things a little better. If I was eating better, and indulging less, I would be feeling better. If I was accomplishing something, instead of marking time, I would feel more positive and upbeat. And, the biggest one for me--as well as the biggest challenge--if I was getting up early and spending time with God, I wouldn't feel like He isn't participating in my life. Sometimes, I am right on it. I am doing what I know I should be doing. My head is above the water. Other times, I'm slipping, grasping, crying, coughing, panting. Each day is a different story.
And while I'm washing dishes, God reaches down and reminds me that He is enough. Jesus is enough. I can't check enough boxes, complete enough to-dos, to reach some standard that I believe He has set for me. On my own, I can never make it. I'm a hamster on a wheel. But, because of Jesus's sacrifice for me, I can rest in all that He's already done. And in fact, it is sinful for me to try to earn my way into God's good graces. To do this is to ignore all that Jesus has done. I think I'm being a "good Christian," but God sees someone who is diminishing what Jesus has already done for me in favor of what I can do for myself.
I think all day long. Duh, right, we all do. My thoughts swirl and swirl and twist and turn constantly. They always have. I try to check in with myself about how I am doing. What I think grieving should look like versus what I am experiencing. And, it's different sometimes and other times it's exactly like they show in the movies. If I stay distracted or busy enough, I don't think about it and I am okay. Other times, I allow myself to think and experience it all. The loss, the emptiness, the longing. I love to indulge in his memory. I still can't believe that, on this earth, he is a memory. I look around at all of his things and think that surely he's somewhere because all of these things are here. Death is so cruel. Crushing, tearing. While I know it's not the end of the story for him or me, it's a long chapter.
Many times, I want to zone out completely. Turn on the TV and veg. Don't think about anything except what shenanigans Ross Poldark will get into next (no spoilers, please!). But, I can only stay on the sofa for so long. These boys demand and deserve more than that. I am so so grateful that God put these little guys in my life to carry me through the toughest of times and keep me busy and distracted just when I need it.
I am not angry. I don't know if that day will come. I feel more defeated than angry right now. Our circumstance was such that I'm not sure anger makes sense--long illness, suffering, awareness that death was coming. But emotions often don't make sense. We'll see what each new day brings. Truthfully, I only have enough strength for today, and barely that.
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