I feel like a wave of revelation has come over me. A super-duper "ah-ha" which, when I say it out loud (or put it into print, as the case presently is), may not sound so ground-breaking. But, I have been praying and talking with God a lot lately. Begging Him to show me where He is in all of this? What are my next steps? What's expected of me right now?
I haven't heard anything for a while. Or at least I didn't hear what He was telling me. I have felt like a punching bag, unable to fight back. Not having the will or care to step in any direction. The only reason anything gets done is because I would prefer to do it than deal with the consequences of what would happen if I didn't do it. This has been true for everything. Needless to say, we have been in survival mode here since even before Chad passed away. I would be absolutely lost if it weren't for you all and your wonderful support.
So this past Saturday, my automaton feet took me to an amazing retreat with my team--others who also are building the same health and wellness business that I am. It was only about 4 hours, but it was so refreshing and motivating. And God started to speak to me here. So many things started clicking to me. During this season, God is encouraging me to "trim the fat," figuratively and literally. I hear Him speaking to me about the things that I choose to do that take me further from Him, further from feeling healthy, further from the direction He wants me to go.
I have always been confused by what it means for me to "be still." (I promise this is all about to come together into one cohesive blog post soon . . . hang in there.) I've wondered if it meant for me to rest more, stop all of the busyness in my house, stop doing certain things that I have put on our plate--and I think it does mean some of these things at certain times--but, what I have realized today is that He is calling me to quiet things in my own head and heart. He is asking me to quiet the anxiety and the spinning that my mind wants to do. The thinking about the future, the worrying about how to be exactly who I think He wants me to be, or who I think I should be, or who I think people want me to be.
How do I do that? Right? This question is where I always get lost. Nothing we were talking about at the retreat pointed to this, but it still became so clear to me that I participate in habits that bring more noise into my head and allow me to block out God's voice. I drink too much coffee, which starts the spinning and wanting to do this or that. I surf Facebook too often, get on Pinterest, try to occupy my eye-space any chance I get. When I do this, more thoughts and desires are getting shoved into my brain that don't need to be there.
The bottom line is this, I realized it's time to be intentional with my choices, including what I am eating, drinking, and doing with my time. All of it matters. These little things every moment are impacting what I am hearing from God. It's not that my circumstances are too busy to hear Him, but I am also adding more and drowning out His voice. I'm not listening for Him before I make a decision. I have been functioning on habit, on autopilot.
I still do not have the brainpower to think past today. A lot of times I'll get to the end of the day before I even realize what tomorrow is or what it holds. But, in some ways I think that's a good thing. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow. This short-sightedness allows me to focus and gives me more clarity on what He is telling me.
While this feels like a little thing--tweaking this decision or that--I feel in my heart that other things will start falling into place. I don't know what, but I know I am walking in the right direction. My heart continues to be so heavy, but I feel like a small bit of sunlight came through this weekend.
If Chad were here and I came home from my retreat to tell him all of these things, he would probably look up from his Frosted Flakes and tell me of course all of this is true and I should be doing exactly what I am saying I should do. He always encouraged me so much in the right direction. Although, to be honest, he never discouraged me from having another glass of wine 😉. I miss so much the support he gave me. We were a team and he was the more reasonable, steady, calm one.
(Why am I listening to instrumental piano music right now??! It's so 90s and sad and nostalgic. Stupid piano.)
I pray for you that you find the things in your life that are creating more noise and more busyness and that you start to take steps away from those things. I don't expect that I am going to be perfect. You shouldn't either. Every day you can try again. Every hour even. We're only moving forward. Love y'all. Goodnight!
I haven't heard anything for a while. Or at least I didn't hear what He was telling me. I have felt like a punching bag, unable to fight back. Not having the will or care to step in any direction. The only reason anything gets done is because I would prefer to do it than deal with the consequences of what would happen if I didn't do it. This has been true for everything. Needless to say, we have been in survival mode here since even before Chad passed away. I would be absolutely lost if it weren't for you all and your wonderful support.
So this past Saturday, my automaton feet took me to an amazing retreat with my team--others who also are building the same health and wellness business that I am. It was only about 4 hours, but it was so refreshing and motivating. And God started to speak to me here. So many things started clicking to me. During this season, God is encouraging me to "trim the fat," figuratively and literally. I hear Him speaking to me about the things that I choose to do that take me further from Him, further from feeling healthy, further from the direction He wants me to go.
I have always been confused by what it means for me to "be still." (I promise this is all about to come together into one cohesive blog post soon . . . hang in there.) I've wondered if it meant for me to rest more, stop all of the busyness in my house, stop doing certain things that I have put on our plate--and I think it does mean some of these things at certain times--but, what I have realized today is that He is calling me to quiet things in my own head and heart. He is asking me to quiet the anxiety and the spinning that my mind wants to do. The thinking about the future, the worrying about how to be exactly who I think He wants me to be, or who I think I should be, or who I think people want me to be.
How do I do that? Right? This question is where I always get lost. Nothing we were talking about at the retreat pointed to this, but it still became so clear to me that I participate in habits that bring more noise into my head and allow me to block out God's voice. I drink too much coffee, which starts the spinning and wanting to do this or that. I surf Facebook too often, get on Pinterest, try to occupy my eye-space any chance I get. When I do this, more thoughts and desires are getting shoved into my brain that don't need to be there.
The bottom line is this, I realized it's time to be intentional with my choices, including what I am eating, drinking, and doing with my time. All of it matters. These little things every moment are impacting what I am hearing from God. It's not that my circumstances are too busy to hear Him, but I am also adding more and drowning out His voice. I'm not listening for Him before I make a decision. I have been functioning on habit, on autopilot.
I still do not have the brainpower to think past today. A lot of times I'll get to the end of the day before I even realize what tomorrow is or what it holds. But, in some ways I think that's a good thing. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow. This short-sightedness allows me to focus and gives me more clarity on what He is telling me.
While this feels like a little thing--tweaking this decision or that--I feel in my heart that other things will start falling into place. I don't know what, but I know I am walking in the right direction. My heart continues to be so heavy, but I feel like a small bit of sunlight came through this weekend.
If Chad were here and I came home from my retreat to tell him all of these things, he would probably look up from his Frosted Flakes and tell me of course all of this is true and I should be doing exactly what I am saying I should do. He always encouraged me so much in the right direction. Although, to be honest, he never discouraged me from having another glass of wine 😉. I miss so much the support he gave me. We were a team and he was the more reasonable, steady, calm one.
(Why am I listening to instrumental piano music right now??! It's so 90s and sad and nostalgic. Stupid piano.)
I pray for you that you find the things in your life that are creating more noise and more busyness and that you start to take steps away from those things. I don't expect that I am going to be perfect. You shouldn't either. Every day you can try again. Every hour even. We're only moving forward. Love y'all. Goodnight!
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