Hey, good afternoon. How are you? Does that question mean anything to you? I'm asked this question a lot--as I'm sure we all are--and it's by well-meaning friends and family, and silently I always reply with, "You know I'm crummy, please spare me the question." But, outwardly, I reassure them that I'm okay.
To be fair, sometimes I am okay. I am okay when I can think about other things and be completely distracted. That's why teaching is such a good fit for me. I am sure that some people who know me might think it's a shame that I had to go back to teaching because I loved being at home with the boys. I appreciate your concern, but please put your hearts at ease. Teaching keeps me moving and so busy that I don't have time to think about anything else. I've also taken to booking a lot of activities during the week, but it's starting to wear me out and I think I have to trim some things down. It's not fair to the boys to have their momma going all the time. I'm feeling the call to be more present with them. However, I don't think I could provide what they need at home all day. I will say that snow days are a nice break, though.
It's also nice to get quiet sometimes. My mind gets too loud with overthinking everything, remembering what I have to do after it's due and immediately forgetting to do it, arguing with a four-year old, or or a 20-month old, a ten-year old. I don't have time to really think through much, most of the time and this gets frustrating to me. On top of it all, I can't think. I can feel the mushiness of my mind. Everything that goes in or comes out stays floating right on top of all of the foggy space inside my brain.
I didn't even want to sit down and type today. I haven't wanted to do anything. I have been in the grumpiest mood for the longest time. Grief is weird, right? Before having experienced it, I thought it was just being really sad. And it is that. And it's a lot of other emotions too. I'm disconnected, grumpy, irritable (being that I, unfortunately, have a baseline irritability, this makes me almost a monster at times), anxious (I've never battled anxiety before. It's no fun and it comes on unexpectedly--racing heart, tight chest), and a lot of non-emotion, like a wet, wool blanket has been thrown over everything. Why did I start this entry? Because I knew it would feel better as it was happening and once it was done. And I was right!
Oh! And Christmas. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I can be playing songs, decking the halls, jingle-bells and all and I'm a robot for all of it. Oftentimes I'll think about Christmas and feel like it should have happened already. My first instinct is to think, "Hasn't that passed yet?" As all of this is happening, I am wondering if I am doing all I can for the boys. I am trying to make memories for them and not allow this circumstance to ruin the magic of the season for them, but I'm not in the proper state of mind for any of it.
I don't know if this is because of my circumstance, experience, or my emotional tenderness right now, but I am easily brought to tears at the thought of Jesus coming to earth to die for us. He, perfect in all ways, endured the messiness of human flesh, connected and built relationships with others, loved deeply, and died an excruciating death, taking on all of our sin, for us to be without blame when we come to face God.
I'm so far from where I want to be in this season. I've fallen back from where I was before Chad died and I am not sure who I will be coming out of the other side of this deep grief--if there is another side. But, I'll wait and allow this to be what it is right now. I'm allowing myself the grace of letting a few of my normal to-dos slide right now. Resting in this ugly, messy, terribly sad time. Yes, resting in it. Not pushing further than I feel like I can push. Not piling on more that's just outside of my reach. Resting.
And in all of it, good is happening too. I am starting to hear God's guidance more clearly. This has been a prayer of mine for a long time. Now, I feel like I hear Him often in the little things--grab your phone, ask the question--and the bigger things--rest in this. Yes, it's awful, I know. Also, Friends and family are close, ready, and willing to help with anything and that feels good too. Even as this season of grief and sorrow wears on, I feel loved and cared for.
Thank you for spending a little time with me. I pray that Christmas is joyful for you and spend some time spreading that joy around. Love y'all.
To be fair, sometimes I am okay. I am okay when I can think about other things and be completely distracted. That's why teaching is such a good fit for me. I am sure that some people who know me might think it's a shame that I had to go back to teaching because I loved being at home with the boys. I appreciate your concern, but please put your hearts at ease. Teaching keeps me moving and so busy that I don't have time to think about anything else. I've also taken to booking a lot of activities during the week, but it's starting to wear me out and I think I have to trim some things down. It's not fair to the boys to have their momma going all the time. I'm feeling the call to be more present with them. However, I don't think I could provide what they need at home all day. I will say that snow days are a nice break, though.
It's also nice to get quiet sometimes. My mind gets too loud with overthinking everything, remembering what I have to do after it's due and immediately forgetting to do it, arguing with a four-year old, or or a 20-month old, a ten-year old. I don't have time to really think through much, most of the time and this gets frustrating to me. On top of it all, I can't think. I can feel the mushiness of my mind. Everything that goes in or comes out stays floating right on top of all of the foggy space inside my brain.
I didn't even want to sit down and type today. I haven't wanted to do anything. I have been in the grumpiest mood for the longest time. Grief is weird, right? Before having experienced it, I thought it was just being really sad. And it is that. And it's a lot of other emotions too. I'm disconnected, grumpy, irritable (being that I, unfortunately, have a baseline irritability, this makes me almost a monster at times), anxious (I've never battled anxiety before. It's no fun and it comes on unexpectedly--racing heart, tight chest), and a lot of non-emotion, like a wet, wool blanket has been thrown over everything. Why did I start this entry? Because I knew it would feel better as it was happening and once it was done. And I was right!
Oh! And Christmas. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I can be playing songs, decking the halls, jingle-bells and all and I'm a robot for all of it. Oftentimes I'll think about Christmas and feel like it should have happened already. My first instinct is to think, "Hasn't that passed yet?" As all of this is happening, I am wondering if I am doing all I can for the boys. I am trying to make memories for them and not allow this circumstance to ruin the magic of the season for them, but I'm not in the proper state of mind for any of it.
I don't know if this is because of my circumstance, experience, or my emotional tenderness right now, but I am easily brought to tears at the thought of Jesus coming to earth to die for us. He, perfect in all ways, endured the messiness of human flesh, connected and built relationships with others, loved deeply, and died an excruciating death, taking on all of our sin, for us to be without blame when we come to face God.
I'm so far from where I want to be in this season. I've fallen back from where I was before Chad died and I am not sure who I will be coming out of the other side of this deep grief--if there is another side. But, I'll wait and allow this to be what it is right now. I'm allowing myself the grace of letting a few of my normal to-dos slide right now. Resting in this ugly, messy, terribly sad time. Yes, resting in it. Not pushing further than I feel like I can push. Not piling on more that's just outside of my reach. Resting.
And in all of it, good is happening too. I am starting to hear God's guidance more clearly. This has been a prayer of mine for a long time. Now, I feel like I hear Him often in the little things--grab your phone, ask the question--and the bigger things--rest in this. Yes, it's awful, I know. Also, Friends and family are close, ready, and willing to help with anything and that feels good too. Even as this season of grief and sorrow wears on, I feel loved and cared for.
Thank you for spending a little time with me. I pray that Christmas is joyful for you and spend some time spreading that joy around. Love y'all.
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