It's a choice, right? But it doesn't always feel like a choice. I have been drowning under the weight of my circumstances lately. The grief has been hitting me more in the past few weeks than it did before. It could be the Christmas season or it could be the timeline out from his death. I think right away, I was in a state of shock. I think that lasted for a few months and reality only hit me in waves. Over time, I've had moments of realization that I would never see him again. Never hold him again. Never go on another date, trip, spend another day with him here on this earth.
It's been hard. I've felt hopeless. I've felt self-pity and I've felt a lot of anger, anxiety, frustration, irritability. I've been praying about all of this and not feeling like I have been getting any response. But, I kept praying because, through it all, I know that God is faithful. He has called me to see that I can make some different choices. He has put opportunities in my path that I have dismissed in my weakness. So, I have prayed for more strength to pursue running, journaling, maybe even therapy.
Sometimes, I think about who I was before. I picture myself as a bright-eyed, hope-filled, happy person (I know the memory does change things a little). I feel sorry for her. She has no idea what's coming. Then, I remember that she does suspect. She knows what is most likely going to happen in the long run, but she's in it for whatever may come. And there is my strength. I am that girl. I am in this because I have faith that my God is in it with me.
I've mourned the hope of that girl. When I think of her, I cry. My immediate thought is that she was a silly girl and her hope was pointless. But, no. I am reminded that her hope is what got us as far as it did. Chad was right there with me. He was hoping with me and he was pursuing life with me. I was able to be there with him, living life as best as we could. I watched his face as he looked into the eyes of his newborn babies. He never thought he would have children. I saw him finish 8ks, 10ks, hike the Appalachian Trail, go to beach trip after beach trip, become a teacher, become an incredible and influential member of the transplant community. I saw him live out his passions and become satisfied with the life he built.
Here's what I know: it was all worth it. I would do it again. I know I've told you that before, but I think it means more as I walk through the depth of this grief. I want to encourage you tonight to take a risk if it tugs at your heart, regardless of how you think it might end. There are no safe choices. This world is broken and there are many ways that things can go wrong. You can't change that. You can only walk forward, prayerfully, trusting God. Enjoy the rest of your break/ your weekend. Love ya'll!
P.S. Dusty and I went out for a run today. He's a great running partner, but I had to keep stopping to let him poop 😆. I'm taking a step towards working running back into my routine. It's a great drug for me and better than the alternatives. Who want's to join?
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