Don't we love a surprise warm day? This is one of the things I love the most about Virginia: you can have a 60-70 degree day in the middle of winter. SURPRISE! Enjoy, live it up! Don't do the same ol' same today because you have GOT to get out and enjoy this! I'm enjoying it by allowing my children to play outside at daycare while I catch a run with a great friend. 😊 While I'm typing here, I can catch a wisp of fragrance from a hyacinth I just picked up at Lidl. I may have just taken the Christmas tablecloth off of my dining room table, but I'm in full-on spring mode here. Don't try to knock me down because I won't be having any of it.
I've missed you and I wanted to touch base. A couple of shifts in my life--including finding time to work out and read more--have made a big impact, or maybe this season is just good for me, or something else I can't quite put my finger on (probably God's unending love and support, yeah, maybe that), but I have felt the rain clouds lift a bit and a little bit of sunshine is peeking through in my heart. I feel like I'm taking steps away from where I was and moving toward where I'm going. For a while there, I felt mostly like I was marking time. Surviving. Getting through. Now, I am surfacing and looking around and deciding what's next.
As is typical, it's taking me several days to write an entry, but this entry has been bubbling up inside of me and bouncing around and it's time to come out! It's now Friday and something really hit home for me that I've been wanting to discuss. Actually, I think I discuss this every time, but it's still within me to say again.
I spent a lot of time with the kids today. I mean . . . a. lot. of. time. We've been up since 4:30 am and at least one of them has been up with me since then. I've been thankful and frustrated and bored and anxious and guilty. This is the normal cycle for me when I'm home. I'll wake up with a cup of coffee all eager about what I want to do then the realities of the day hit me and I have to tone it back a notch, or ten. So, we find things to busy ourselves. We watch some "Blaze toys" and my mind numbs. We play "high friends" or put together puzzles, or play games. And it's all great. And the boys fight and get cranky and want more than I have the energy to give, so I become tired and frustrated. I do get bored too. I'm fairly comfortably by myself, but I desire adult convo about every day things. I do talk to my kids, but we know it's not the same.
As I was reflecting on this, I also reflected a bit on what the previous chapter of my life was like. Chad and the kids and the one big happy family. Of course it's always way more perfect in our memories. I have to remind myself how sick he was. When I think of our good times, I have to remember that a lot of the time he was struggling. It brings me peace to know that he isn't here struggling anymore. When he wasn't struggling, or when he was having good days, I remember thinking to myself, "These are the good times" and I would be so thankful to God for the time that we had, but we couldn't stay in that place where we were or where he was.
Sometimes I want to live in those moments. I know many of us, especially mommas, want to try to soak it all up and squeeze every moment until we've had our fill. It washed over me the other day that we can lighten up and loosen our grip because we will never have our fill. So many times people will say, "Hold your loved ones tight tonight." Or something like that--and you should!--but, you can never hold them enough. Don't feel guilty for letting them go when you have to, because you can't ever get enough. Don't obsess over it.
When I was a new mom, I would OBSESS over my baby getting older. I thought it would be the most terrible thing. And I would read these articles about just spiral into a sadness about my baby growing up! How crazy is that?! Post-partum hormones are mostly to blame, but isn't this human nature to try to hold on and then to look back longingly, nostalgically?
I've learned that this will get me nowhere. It's difficult not to do it, and when I do, I try to acknowledge those feelings and then take some inventory about what I have right now. This awareness is especially helpful with the kids. Every stage is full of good things. Yes, you let go of some things, but so much more is offered. If I wanted Lincoln to be little again, he wouldn't be nearly as independent or able to communicate with me the way he does. I wouldn't be able to see his little sense of humor or the glimmer in his eye when he gets a mischievous idea. I wouldn't get to see so much of Chad show up in who he is.
Levi is becoming Mr. Personality. He is so darn smart--not just a momma talking about her kid here--he's freaky smart. And he is funny! He's his own little person and I am so thankful for both of them and each stage I get with them.
The truth of it all comes back to me every time. Whether it's trying to hold on to these moments with the kids or fill my time or my belly with some fleeting thing, it's all going to end. Eventually you're going to have to come to the end of it all. And what's there? How can we find something to hold on to? Well, you know what I'm going to say. God is always there. He's never left my side. Even when I have tried to ignore Him. He's been calmly waiting for me, speaking softly to me, reassuring me of His never-ending love and grace. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I pray that you spend some time seeking Him through reading a Bible. Just start wherever and I'm here to share more about where I was when I started too.
Thanks for spending a little time with me tonight. Now, it's time for me to go "watch TV," A.K.A. flip on Tiny House Hunters
and fall asleep. Goodnight, love y'all!
I've missed you and I wanted to touch base. A couple of shifts in my life--including finding time to work out and read more--have made a big impact, or maybe this season is just good for me, or something else I can't quite put my finger on (probably God's unending love and support, yeah, maybe that), but I have felt the rain clouds lift a bit and a little bit of sunshine is peeking through in my heart. I feel like I'm taking steps away from where I was and moving toward where I'm going. For a while there, I felt mostly like I was marking time. Surviving. Getting through. Now, I am surfacing and looking around and deciding what's next.
As is typical, it's taking me several days to write an entry, but this entry has been bubbling up inside of me and bouncing around and it's time to come out! It's now Friday and something really hit home for me that I've been wanting to discuss. Actually, I think I discuss this every time, but it's still within me to say again.
I spent a lot of time with the kids today. I mean . . . a. lot. of. time. We've been up since 4:30 am and at least one of them has been up with me since then. I've been thankful and frustrated and bored and anxious and guilty. This is the normal cycle for me when I'm home. I'll wake up with a cup of coffee all eager about what I want to do then the realities of the day hit me and I have to tone it back a notch, or ten. So, we find things to busy ourselves. We watch some "Blaze toys" and my mind numbs. We play "high friends" or put together puzzles, or play games. And it's all great. And the boys fight and get cranky and want more than I have the energy to give, so I become tired and frustrated. I do get bored too. I'm fairly comfortably by myself, but I desire adult convo about every day things. I do talk to my kids, but we know it's not the same.
As I was reflecting on this, I also reflected a bit on what the previous chapter of my life was like. Chad and the kids and the one big happy family. Of course it's always way more perfect in our memories. I have to remind myself how sick he was. When I think of our good times, I have to remember that a lot of the time he was struggling. It brings me peace to know that he isn't here struggling anymore. When he wasn't struggling, or when he was having good days, I remember thinking to myself, "These are the good times" and I would be so thankful to God for the time that we had, but we couldn't stay in that place where we were or where he was.
Sometimes I want to live in those moments. I know many of us, especially mommas, want to try to soak it all up and squeeze every moment until we've had our fill. It washed over me the other day that we can lighten up and loosen our grip because we will never have our fill. So many times people will say, "Hold your loved ones tight tonight." Or something like that--and you should!--but, you can never hold them enough. Don't feel guilty for letting them go when you have to, because you can't ever get enough. Don't obsess over it.
When I was a new mom, I would OBSESS over my baby getting older. I thought it would be the most terrible thing. And I would read these articles about just spiral into a sadness about my baby growing up! How crazy is that?! Post-partum hormones are mostly to blame, but isn't this human nature to try to hold on and then to look back longingly, nostalgically?
I've learned that this will get me nowhere. It's difficult not to do it, and when I do, I try to acknowledge those feelings and then take some inventory about what I have right now. This awareness is especially helpful with the kids. Every stage is full of good things. Yes, you let go of some things, but so much more is offered. If I wanted Lincoln to be little again, he wouldn't be nearly as independent or able to communicate with me the way he does. I wouldn't be able to see his little sense of humor or the glimmer in his eye when he gets a mischievous idea. I wouldn't get to see so much of Chad show up in who he is.
Levi is becoming Mr. Personality. He is so darn smart--not just a momma talking about her kid here--he's freaky smart. And he is funny! He's his own little person and I am so thankful for both of them and each stage I get with them.
The truth of it all comes back to me every time. Whether it's trying to hold on to these moments with the kids or fill my time or my belly with some fleeting thing, it's all going to end. Eventually you're going to have to come to the end of it all. And what's there? How can we find something to hold on to? Well, you know what I'm going to say. God is always there. He's never left my side. Even when I have tried to ignore Him. He's been calmly waiting for me, speaking softly to me, reassuring me of His never-ending love and grace. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I pray that you spend some time seeking Him through reading a Bible. Just start wherever and I'm here to share more about where I was when I started too.
Thanks for spending a little time with me tonight. Now, it's time for me to go "watch TV," A.K.A. flip on Tiny House Hunters
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