Who loves like that?

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

I have hesitated to come to the blog lately. I've made excuses--"I don't have anything to say," "I keep writing about the same things," "I'm so tired and I have to get up early." Then these words from John came to mind and I was reminded that these inadequacies are tempting me to be quiet and maybe prevent someone from reading something God wants them to read, stealing away my opportunity to encourage others. So, I'm going to let my guard down between us tonight. I'm coming to you in my jammies, foggy-headed and open. 

Grief is my season right now, so that is my perspective. God has walked, and continues to walk with me through this tenderly and patiently. I hear myself asking myself, "What does that look like?" (By the way, please tell me I'm not the only one who asks myself questions and also answers them!) Anyway, great question, self! When I am bouncing around the same ideas, day after day about what I should be doing or the things I am doing that I shouldn't be doing, God calms my anxious heart. It's like he's shushing me--like I do Levi when he's all upset. Waves of calm wash over me. He doesn't always tell me that I'm right or wrong, but He brings peace to me. He reminds me that He is there whether I "feel" Him or not. He reminds me of His promises that He will never leave me and never forsake me. 

I want to beat myself up when I miss a morning or two of reading or when I lose my temper with the kids. When I am not checking all of the boxes that I "know" make me successful and "good." He reminds me that all of that is fine, but it's not amounting to more favor from Him. He loves me as much when I am up at 4:30 reading the Bible as He does when I've lost my temper and I am shouting at my children. Who loves like that? Who sees all of my ugliness, day after day, and looks me in the face and tells me that He died for me?

Through this season of grief, Jesus is bringing me into more awareness of our personal relationship. The realization that He came to earth to die on the cross for me, ME, Lauren, has become more powerful to me. I used to kind of chunk all of us together. Like, He came to die for sinners, of which I am one. Yes. But, no! I was missing the best part of the picture--it is personal! He loves ME enough to come to earth in dirty, stinky flesh and go through all of the pain of this earth to DIE for ME! And it's true for you too. Amazing! Thank you, God for your sacrifice!!

I think that's enough for now. I have more tangential things that I want to cover, but I hope to write about those soon. More about this thief stealing and killing and what that looks like from day-to-day, but I'll leave this for now. It's late and my dog is being weird. Love y'all. G'night.