Discipline and endurance.

Discipline and endurance. My morning devotional and a devotional in my inbox that I happened to read were centered on this topic. To me, that means God is talking to me about this. How timely.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. Y'all, I'm going to give you a real picture: I spent a lot of the morning getting frustrated with everything and everyone around me. I was screaming and crying in the bathroom on more than one occasion. It was hard to do anything outside of sitting and vegging. My schedule included a play date, meeting a friend, and an online workshop. I wanted to call the whole day off. I tried to figure out the best way that I could cancel everything, but came to the realization that hiding in my house all day wasn't going to solve anything. In fact, it would dig me deeper into the hole that I was starting. I did get out to the different appointments and felt better for doing that.

Some days are easier than before and other days are just as hard as they were at the beginning. Yesterday was one of the hard days. I kept thinking about the unfairness of it all. As if there is a standard for "fair" when it comes to life's circumstances. Why do we think that life should be a certain way? I kept thinking about the future that we planned, as if that should be because we pictured it. Then I let the negative talk tell me that I was going to be an old spinster, crocheting sweaters for my cats.

Discipline and endurance. When I focus on this world and the joys and sorrows therein, I can be devastated. Punches come one after another in this life. I can let these circumstances create a shell around me and forget that there is another world that I cannot see. Yesterday, I kept thinking about how I wanted Chad here and wanted to live the life that we dreamed of, but forgot the suffering that he endured while he was here. And the healing that has now taken place for him. When I think about God and His love for me--picture Jesus on the cross, relieving me of all of my sins and allowing me to ask God for His strength and His endurance instead of relying on my own--then my heart softens and the present circumstances don't seem so overwhelming. 

Why me?! That never helps. Better to realize that God chose me to be His child and that He loves me. Whatever I am enduring now does not negate His love for me. I can't see what He's up to, but I can trust that it is for good. That doesn't mean that everything is going to work out perfectly for me in this life. My job is to endure, constantly praying for His strength and paying close attention to the relief that he provides so that I can praise Him for giving it to me.