Y'all, I just made the most disgusting cookies! Sometimes I make not-so-good cookies, but these were terrible. I threw them all away. Literally inedible. This is from a tried and true recipe for some cookies that I love. Don't judge them because they are chickpea and "healthy," they are usually very good and I have to stop myself from having too many.
This time, I didn't have one of the ingredients and tried to substitute something else: maple syrup for coconut sugar. I knew it was wrong the whole time, but I figured I would try it anyway. Awful idea. I took one bite and my mind started screaming "No!" like Michael Scott in the episode where Toby comes back from Costa Rica.
I am resisting the reach for a parallel to life right now. I could say the obvious--don't substitute your true self for what you think you should be--okay, there it is. I really just wanted to share with you that sometimes baked goods don't turn out so "good" around here.
What I am loving is that my littlest man loves to cook with me. I remember Lincoln would just humor me: pour a little sugar in the bowl and run away to play with toys. He doesn't have much interest in it, but Levi wants to "cook with you!" every time I start to make anything. He pulls his little step ladder up and is ready to give his best to whatever I ask of him.
These little guys keep me afloat. I know that God made them instrumental in my life to prevent me from sinking too low. Of course people have dark times in their life without children and they survive them, but we all have some reason to keep going. They are my big reason.
But, you know what's heartbreaking? Mama's, you'll get this. They grow up. And that's also wonderful and perfectly designed. But, I have always felt like time is water slipping through our fingers. I want to hold on to every moment, but even as you're trying to get a grip, it's slipping away. Spend too much time trying to hold on, and whatever "it" was is long gone.
Y'all know what I'm going to say here. Nothing is permanent! You've been here long enough to know it. I keep grabbing for something to hold on to. Maybe this thing will be the thing that satisfies/ comforts/ calms me. It never is. There is only God.
Permanent. Eternal. Steady. The same yesterday, today, tomorrow. Will never leave you nor forsake you. (Are people still using "nor"? Did it go by the way of "whom"? Well I am using it, and in earnest!)
I mean to say that when I am trying to fill up all of my empty spaces with material things/ events/ pleasures, I always come up wanting more and eventually I'm empty. The more I fill up on these temporary things, the emptier I get. And I'm reminding myself God is all there is.
But, don't despair because He will fill up all of the emptiness with peace, love, gratitude, joy. I know that when I am low and looking for other things, it is because I have not spent time looking for God and inviting Him into those places.
It was a startling reality to me when Chad passed away. He was my half, my flesh, my companion, my partner. He was here one minute--embodying all of those things--and in another he was gone. He was facing his eternity alone and I was facing all that we had built here alone. (This is not to dismiss all of our support, but I am speaking about emotionally and mentally alone.) I felt God telling me that He is still here. And my relationship with Him is not about Chad and me, it's about God and me. We have a relationship and He is pursuing me and my heart.
He still pursues me. I fall away often. I let the distractions and material temptations of this world creep into and take up a lot of space in my day, my mind, my heart. I wait too long to come back to God and I start to feel flimsy, wanting, dry. God is patiently waiting for me and never has a cruel word to say.
"See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. [ . . . ] by loving the Lord your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the Lord your god will bless you in the land [ . . . ] But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today that you shall surely perish." Deuteronomy 30:18-19
Jesus died on the cross for me (and you) and covers all of the times when we are unable to keep His commandments and statutes and rules. I guess the threat of perishing could be considered cruel, but it is a warning and remember that He is "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." Psalm 103:8
I am thankful that God has called me to Himself to walk this path with Him. I am thankful that He has equipped me in many ways. He has walked with me through trials before this season, teaching me to lean on Him and see that He is all I can count on and He is enough.
I know that you go through hard times. It's unavoidable. If you're not going through hard times, you will. I want to encourage you that God is present and willing to be there for you. You don't have to get fancy about it. It's really just so simple: invite Him in. Then listen to what He has to say, not through some feeling you get, but through His Holy Word.
I'll catch y'all later! I've gotta go drink some detox tea, work on some crochet, and watch The Office for the 7th time. (I'm like 75. No offense if you are 75 reading this. You probably have a more happening night life than I do!)
This time, I didn't have one of the ingredients and tried to substitute something else: maple syrup for coconut sugar. I knew it was wrong the whole time, but I figured I would try it anyway. Awful idea. I took one bite and my mind started screaming "No!" like Michael Scott in the episode where Toby comes back from Costa Rica.
I am resisting the reach for a parallel to life right now. I could say the obvious--don't substitute your true self for what you think you should be--okay, there it is. I really just wanted to share with you that sometimes baked goods don't turn out so "good" around here.
What I am loving is that my littlest man loves to cook with me. I remember Lincoln would just humor me: pour a little sugar in the bowl and run away to play with toys. He doesn't have much interest in it, but Levi wants to "cook with you!" every time I start to make anything. He pulls his little step ladder up and is ready to give his best to whatever I ask of him.
These little guys keep me afloat. I know that God made them instrumental in my life to prevent me from sinking too low. Of course people have dark times in their life without children and they survive them, but we all have some reason to keep going. They are my big reason.
But, you know what's heartbreaking? Mama's, you'll get this. They grow up. And that's also wonderful and perfectly designed. But, I have always felt like time is water slipping through our fingers. I want to hold on to every moment, but even as you're trying to get a grip, it's slipping away. Spend too much time trying to hold on, and whatever "it" was is long gone.
Y'all know what I'm going to say here. Nothing is permanent! You've been here long enough to know it. I keep grabbing for something to hold on to. Maybe this thing will be the thing that satisfies/ comforts/ calms me. It never is. There is only God.
Permanent. Eternal. Steady. The same yesterday, today, tomorrow. Will never leave you nor forsake you. (Are people still using "nor"? Did it go by the way of "whom"? Well I am using it, and in earnest!)
I mean to say that when I am trying to fill up all of my empty spaces with material things/ events/ pleasures, I always come up wanting more and eventually I'm empty. The more I fill up on these temporary things, the emptier I get. And I'm reminding myself God is all there is.
But, don't despair because He will fill up all of the emptiness with peace, love, gratitude, joy. I know that when I am low and looking for other things, it is because I have not spent time looking for God and inviting Him into those places.
It was a startling reality to me when Chad passed away. He was my half, my flesh, my companion, my partner. He was here one minute--embodying all of those things--and in another he was gone. He was facing his eternity alone and I was facing all that we had built here alone. (This is not to dismiss all of our support, but I am speaking about emotionally and mentally alone.) I felt God telling me that He is still here. And my relationship with Him is not about Chad and me, it's about God and me. We have a relationship and He is pursuing me and my heart.
He still pursues me. I fall away often. I let the distractions and material temptations of this world creep into and take up a lot of space in my day, my mind, my heart. I wait too long to come back to God and I start to feel flimsy, wanting, dry. God is patiently waiting for me and never has a cruel word to say.
"See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. [ . . . ] by loving the Lord your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the Lord your god will bless you in the land [ . . . ] But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today that you shall surely perish." Deuteronomy 30:18-19
Jesus died on the cross for me (and you) and covers all of the times when we are unable to keep His commandments and statutes and rules. I guess the threat of perishing could be considered cruel, but it is a warning and remember that He is "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." Psalm 103:8
I am thankful that God has called me to Himself to walk this path with Him. I am thankful that He has equipped me in many ways. He has walked with me through trials before this season, teaching me to lean on Him and see that He is all I can count on and He is enough.
I know that you go through hard times. It's unavoidable. If you're not going through hard times, you will. I want to encourage you that God is present and willing to be there for you. You don't have to get fancy about it. It's really just so simple: invite Him in. Then listen to what He has to say, not through some feeling you get, but through His Holy Word.
I'll catch y'all later! I've gotta go drink some detox tea, work on some crochet, and watch The Office for the 7th time. (I'm like 75. No offense if you are 75 reading this. You probably have a more happening night life than I do!)
You're a very wise woman ! Praying for you and your little ones.
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