Grief hits in waves. I haven't had one in a long time, then it swells up out of nowhere. Everything is grey, exhausting, trivial. I find myself wondering why am I feeling this way? Then, I remember that grief is still a part of who I am and, from what I understand, it will never go away.
I am thankful that the waves are farther apart now. Days turned into weeks, and now sometimes months. I can go quite a few weeks without feeling so overwhelmed. But, when it hits, it feels just as raw as it ever did. Chad felt so close to me today. While that sounds good (and it was that too), it was very painful. It was like he was holding me as I cried, but it made his physical absence sting so much more.
My life without him has started to take on a normal routine. I feel like I've been doing this solo parent thing for a while (with a lot of help from the Grandparent Crew). We have a groove, we have fun, life is generally good. The life I used to have seems so far away.
It's my blog and I'll be brutally honest--I am praying for strength in this area--I have started to feel some hardness toward happy young families. I don't like admitting that, but there it is. I feel so far removed from them. I had a different vision for my family--one that looked more like theirs, but here I am trying to pick up our broken pieces.
Please don't misunderstand me. We have plenty of everything. We overflow with love and support. It's really just that the life I thought I would have, that I thought was a given, turned out to not be the case. Life is super hard, y'all. I share my hardest times hoping that it helps you through something.
I am grateful that I have hope for more because of my faith in Jesus Christ. Wave after wave of grief and loss comes and will come in this life. I remember getting a vivid picture when Chad was enduring his final struggle and was in hospice care. It was a person in an ocean during a terrible storm, reaching up to God for help. That's how I felt as wave after wave crashed over me.
I know some people want to be angry with God or not believe that a good God could allow this to happen. I argue that we can only get through it because of God. This world is a terrible, broken, ugly place. Anything that is bright and beautiful is because of God's goodness and mercy to us. No surprise that we have sickness and death in this world. It is a miracle that we have birth and joy and laughter. The beautiful sunrise each morning. Mountains, beaches, flowers, delicious foods . . . the list could go on all night. All of what we enjoy is a gift.
Thank you, God for all that you give. And thank you God for Chad. He was an incredible gift to us for many years. He shone brightly and provided so much hope. We are still devastated without him, but I am so happy we had time together to build what we have. The greatest gift I hold in my heart is that I was able to walk with him through his darkest times and help to provide hope and joy in his life.
I am thankful that the waves are farther apart now. Days turned into weeks, and now sometimes months. I can go quite a few weeks without feeling so overwhelmed. But, when it hits, it feels just as raw as it ever did. Chad felt so close to me today. While that sounds good (and it was that too), it was very painful. It was like he was holding me as I cried, but it made his physical absence sting so much more.
My life without him has started to take on a normal routine. I feel like I've been doing this solo parent thing for a while (with a lot of help from the Grandparent Crew). We have a groove, we have fun, life is generally good. The life I used to have seems so far away.
It's my blog and I'll be brutally honest--I am praying for strength in this area--I have started to feel some hardness toward happy young families. I don't like admitting that, but there it is. I feel so far removed from them. I had a different vision for my family--one that looked more like theirs, but here I am trying to pick up our broken pieces.
Please don't misunderstand me. We have plenty of everything. We overflow with love and support. It's really just that the life I thought I would have, that I thought was a given, turned out to not be the case. Life is super hard, y'all. I share my hardest times hoping that it helps you through something.
I am grateful that I have hope for more because of my faith in Jesus Christ. Wave after wave of grief and loss comes and will come in this life. I remember getting a vivid picture when Chad was enduring his final struggle and was in hospice care. It was a person in an ocean during a terrible storm, reaching up to God for help. That's how I felt as wave after wave crashed over me.
I know some people want to be angry with God or not believe that a good God could allow this to happen. I argue that we can only get through it because of God. This world is a terrible, broken, ugly place. Anything that is bright and beautiful is because of God's goodness and mercy to us. No surprise that we have sickness and death in this world. It is a miracle that we have birth and joy and laughter. The beautiful sunrise each morning. Mountains, beaches, flowers, delicious foods . . . the list could go on all night. All of what we enjoy is a gift.
Thank you, God for all that you give. And thank you God for Chad. He was an incredible gift to us for many years. He shone brightly and provided so much hope. We are still devastated without him, but I am so happy we had time together to build what we have. The greatest gift I hold in my heart is that I was able to walk with him through his darkest times and help to provide hope and joy in his life.
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