The numbness is wearing off and I'm starting to feel the gaping hole that Chad's death has created. It feels like I'm just at the very edges of it. Aching. Emptiness. My heart cries out for his. Heaviness sits on my shoulders. I can still laugh and live through the day. My boys lighten my heart. Company sometimes helps, distractions. Books, TV, outings, running, activity. But, sometimes I just want to walk alone and feel all the grief that I should feel. Feel the huge, warm tears roll down my face and feel some of the relief that comes with those.
His memory is everywhere. We traveled to the river to celebrate the 4th of July weekend with family and I see him on the porch reading, in his chair doing crosswords. I see us playing darts in the yard. I picture him in his blue workout pants with the silver stripe. The same ones we dressed him in after he had passed away. It all still seems so so impossible.
I ran up to the church where we got married. I allowed myself to walk in that memory. I felt joy, smiles, and so much sadness. That young couple didn't know what was ahead of them. Look at them, one of the best days of their lives. But, we weren't completely oblivious either. I keep replaying our journey over and over. Why did I think this was going to be okay? What made me so bold to vow to Chad that I would take him, come what may?
You know I wouldn't change a day in our lives. I would make the same agreement all over again. I just envy that bride's determination and optimism. I knew that God would carry us through anything. At that time, I held on to the hope that He would find a way for Chad to be with me for 40, 50 years.
I now realize that He has always had another plan. He promises that He will never let us go. Even in the darkest night. "The LORD Himself goes before you; He will be with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8. Never. No matter what circumstances are happening in my life, I know He is here and I know that He has allowed whatever is happening for His perfect purpose. I can trust Him because He loves me more than I can understand. And He loves Chad more than I ever could. His love is perfect and complete. He can be trusted. I have been feeling weak and worn throughout this journey. I repeat these truths to myself when I want to fall apart.
In moments where I feel grief start to creep into my heart and overwhelm me, I wonder where am I allowing fear to encourage my tears? I want to recognize and silence it. I know the tears are okay and healthy, but I also know that doubt, anxiety, worry is not from God. Right now, this sounds like, "You have a long and lonely life ahead of you," "The sadness you feel will always be with you," "You will never be as happy as you were with Chad." I know these thoughts are unfounded and ridiculous.
I am thankful for the faith that God has given me. I am thankful for this journey because it is building me to be a stronger testament to God's provision and strength. I am so thankful for the family and friends that are walking alongside me. There are so many reasons to be grateful when I stop and look around. Above everything else, I am thankful for the salvation that Jesus provides for us. There is so much peace that comes when I think about Chad healed, happy and complete in heaven. I am relieved when I think about how he needs nothing that we have here and, in fact, everything here is dingy and empty compared to what he is experiencing in heaven.
I pray for strength when it comes to the distractions. God, please don't allow me to drown myself in things that are outside of your will for me. Guard my heart from unhealthy desires that ease the pain. I pray for the others that I have encountered on this path. For those who are experiencing unexpected pain and feel like they have nowhere to turn. Call to them and open their hearts to You. Thank you for the strength that you have provided me and my family. I pray all of this in Jesus's name, amen.
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