It's time to sit and process. Truthfully, I was about to turn on Netflix and veg-out to Season 4 of The Office, but then a voice reminded me that my future self would be thankful for this documentation. And that people are reading and encouraged. Also, I wanted to let you know that today was beautiful and peaceful and not at all as heart-wrenching as I thought it would be.
Maybe it's because I didn't sit in the memories. In my weakest moments, I usually allow the "what-ifs" to seep into my mind. What if Chad had never gotten the final illness that sent him to hospice? What if he had the perfect set of lungs and never needed a second or third transplant? My favorite tear-jerker is to think of the future we thought we would have. What if he were here today to see who his boys are growing up to be?
Dead-end. That's what all of these thoughts lead me to. Thankfully, I realize that all of these what-ifs were never meant to be. It's a relief to me to remember that God has known my every day and Chad's every day since the beginning of time:
"All the days planned for me
were written in your book
before I was one day old." Psalm 139:16
Nothing is unplanned or accidental. While some may see this as cruel on God's part, I am reminded that God is good all of the time. What may not seem good to me is only because my vision is clouded and my understanding is small.
June 25, 2011 we were hopeful in thinking that we had a full life ahead of us. It was the most perfect day and everything went just as planned. I like to put myself in that moment and talk to that young girl, light and bright, and tell her that she has no idea what's coming. But, when I'm reflective and honest, I know she wasn't completely in the dark.
One of Chad's must-haves for the wedding was that we write our own vows. (I'm now on the hunt for those vows, but that's another entry.) I remember standing in that church and telling Chad that I was with him for whatever time we had: years, months, weeks, hours. He said some wonderful and beautiful things too that I can't remember, but I know he had a joke or two in there because that's who he was. He could never be too serious.
He was so handsome and healthy. I had never seen him shine so brightly. (If you know Chad, you know bright is the perfect word to describe his wardrobe.) It was a perfect day. Now, I am understanding a new layer of that gift that God gave us, seeing what our future turned out to be.
My first anniversary without him was last year. I was in such a fog most of last year that I don't remember much of what I was feeling. Although, now that I think of it, I do have that entry. It's here. I was a walking open wound. I am more emotionally stable now. I don't cry nearly as often, but when I do get into those places, it's just as piercing as it ever was.
I haven't allowed the time for it today and I'm just not in the mood. I had a calm day doing the normal things. I took the boys to the gym because they love it and running makes my mind go gooey, so win-win. Then, at 8pm, I had the crazy notion to go to Gelati Celesti because that's where Chad and I would always end a date night. The boys were obviously more than happy to go. They each ordered exactly what Chad would have ordered: chocolate ice cream in a cup; I was tickled. I always have to get the chocolate peanut butter in a cake cone. (Even when I order something else, I always wish I had gotten chocolate peanut butter.)
They were so sweet to one another. We just sat there outside the "ice cream shoppp," as Levi says, and we chatted. I told them about why it was a special place for me and Lincoln had a look of pride when I told him he ordered Daddy's favorite flavor.
So many gifts are around me and they lift me up. My children are my number one biggest and greatest gifts. They are the main reason I didn't bury myself in the bed. God knew what He was doing, giving me these boys. My support system is a big one. Many of you are reading this and I am so incredibly thankful for you. You reach out, you encourage me. Thank you a million times! And I could go on for a while about everything else that I am thankful for tonight, but I am going to stop here and say "goodnight." I want to be real and raw and tender, but I'm just not feeling it tonight. Stay tuned for that one.
Maybe it's because I didn't sit in the memories. In my weakest moments, I usually allow the "what-ifs" to seep into my mind. What if Chad had never gotten the final illness that sent him to hospice? What if he had the perfect set of lungs and never needed a second or third transplant? My favorite tear-jerker is to think of the future we thought we would have. What if he were here today to see who his boys are growing up to be?
Dead-end. That's what all of these thoughts lead me to. Thankfully, I realize that all of these what-ifs were never meant to be. It's a relief to me to remember that God has known my every day and Chad's every day since the beginning of time:
"All the days planned for me
were written in your book
before I was one day old." Psalm 139:16
Nothing is unplanned or accidental. While some may see this as cruel on God's part, I am reminded that God is good all of the time. What may not seem good to me is only because my vision is clouded and my understanding is small.
June 25, 2011 we were hopeful in thinking that we had a full life ahead of us. It was the most perfect day and everything went just as planned. I like to put myself in that moment and talk to that young girl, light and bright, and tell her that she has no idea what's coming. But, when I'm reflective and honest, I know she wasn't completely in the dark.
One of Chad's must-haves for the wedding was that we write our own vows. (I'm now on the hunt for those vows, but that's another entry.) I remember standing in that church and telling Chad that I was with him for whatever time we had: years, months, weeks, hours. He said some wonderful and beautiful things too that I can't remember, but I know he had a joke or two in there because that's who he was. He could never be too serious.
He was so handsome and healthy. I had never seen him shine so brightly. (If you know Chad, you know bright is the perfect word to describe his wardrobe.) It was a perfect day. Now, I am understanding a new layer of that gift that God gave us, seeing what our future turned out to be.
My first anniversary without him was last year. I was in such a fog most of last year that I don't remember much of what I was feeling. Although, now that I think of it, I do have that entry. It's here. I was a walking open wound. I am more emotionally stable now. I don't cry nearly as often, but when I do get into those places, it's just as piercing as it ever was.
I haven't allowed the time for it today and I'm just not in the mood. I had a calm day doing the normal things. I took the boys to the gym because they love it and running makes my mind go gooey, so win-win. Then, at 8pm, I had the crazy notion to go to Gelati Celesti because that's where Chad and I would always end a date night. The boys were obviously more than happy to go. They each ordered exactly what Chad would have ordered: chocolate ice cream in a cup; I was tickled. I always have to get the chocolate peanut butter in a cake cone. (Even when I order something else, I always wish I had gotten chocolate peanut butter.)
They were so sweet to one another. We just sat there outside the "ice cream shoppp," as Levi says, and we chatted. I told them about why it was a special place for me and Lincoln had a look of pride when I told him he ordered Daddy's favorite flavor.
So many gifts are around me and they lift me up. My children are my number one biggest and greatest gifts. They are the main reason I didn't bury myself in the bed. God knew what He was doing, giving me these boys. My support system is a big one. Many of you are reading this and I am so incredibly thankful for you. You reach out, you encourage me. Thank you a million times! And I could go on for a while about everything else that I am thankful for tonight, but I am going to stop here and say "goodnight." I want to be real and raw and tender, but I'm just not feeling it tonight. Stay tuned for that one.
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