Morning! The kids are still asleep and I am enjoying the quiet of the morning with a big cup of hot coffee. Hmm?? You ask why I am up? Because my dogs decided it was time for a tap-dancing competition at 5:30 this morning. Their little paws with their little claws walking all around my room. I'm not even sure what they wanted. They didn't seem that eager to go outside, just to get me up. Of course they are both snoozing now. 😒
I've been enduring a tough grief phase in this last week. It's weird like that. I can go days/ weeks and feel pretty good, basically normal (although, I don't know what normal is for me), and then I'm sideswiped with the same dark heaviness that I thought I left behind weeks ago.
It was hard to be in Massanutten. Families were everywhere and I couldn't help but think about the life that Chad and I planned. We had never been there before, but we actually planned a week vacation to go to to Massanutten last September. Several months before we (it had to be like January or February) realized how severe his decline was. We moved the location to the beach because I just kept thinking about how much I love the beach and he was willing to do either. Fast forward to September: Chad's gone and I'm back at work. Didn't see that one coming back in January when I was making plans. Our long-term plans were to enjoy each other and watch our boys grow up. At this point, I don't feel like adding anything reassuring to that. I know I could say God's plan has always been different and it's always good--and that is true--but in this moment I just want us all to realize that sometimes life sucks. Sometimes things all go to poo and it's really crappy. I just want to stew in that for a minute.
I think there is a space for those feelings. Stop letting the Pollyanna in my mind pipe up all the time. She can be so annoying!! Just sit with me, Polly and let me cry it out and just agree with me. THIS SUCKS! Big time. All of the life I pictured is gone. My love is gone. It's a giant Crapfest.
But, as annoying as it is, God gave me some wisdom today. Completely out of nowhere. I didn't even plan this to be a part of the blog this morning. I think I was packing my bags to come home from the river, not thinking about anything in particular and BOOM---> I've been stewing and forgetting who He is. I've been consumed in my self-pity and not allowing myself to trust His plan. (UGHHH!! Girl, you don't know when to QUIT!!) When I am wallowing, I am forgetting that God does have a plan. This time, I'm not talking about Chad's death, I'm talking about my life. There is more life to live. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but I know it's not sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. That's understandable at times, but not worth wasting too much time on.
I had a plan to sit down and type up a memory of Chad, but this entry got broken into parts throughout the day and God started talking to me and derailed my original plan! (Sidenote in case it's not obvious: I am grateful for the times when He sheds some light on my circumstances.)
I won't disappoint though. I'll share some of Chad here. It's summertime and summer Chad might be my favorite Chad (if I could pick just one). I like to remember him on vacation, particularly at the beach. Our first beach trip together--was it 2007? I drove down to Hatteras after class (grad school, I think? Or was it work for Rainbow Station?). I was so run down from whatever busyness was going on in my life, but I was determined to get there. I stopped at the McDonald's (*gasp*) in Kitty Hawk for some dinner and called him. He was already at the house, staying the whole week. The group had been to Dirty Dick's Crab House (😐) and out shopping. It sounded like everyone was having so much fun, I couldn't wait to get down. So many miles to go!! So many trees and wildlife reserves! Crank up the JAMS, I'm on my way!!
When I finally showed up, he had bought me a pair of pajamas from the Life is Good store and had them on my bed for me. He was always full of surprises (maybe more of those stories later 😂) and of course so very sweet.
What I remember best about Chad at the beach--healthy Chad at the beach--comes in glimpses of him: suntan, salty skin, playing in the pool, baseball hat. Smiles for days. White t-shirt. Books and crosswords. Much more that's not blog-appropriate 😉😇.
Remembering is so hard. And so good. I don't want to forget a moment, but my memory is bad, I think I've already lost some. My heart breaks for the distance that naturally comes with time. But, I know it's necessary to heal.
I need to leave this all here for now and dive into a book. I'll catch up with you later! Goodnight, love y'all.
I've been enduring a tough grief phase in this last week. It's weird like that. I can go days/ weeks and feel pretty good, basically normal (although, I don't know what normal is for me), and then I'm sideswiped with the same dark heaviness that I thought I left behind weeks ago.
It was hard to be in Massanutten. Families were everywhere and I couldn't help but think about the life that Chad and I planned. We had never been there before, but we actually planned a week vacation to go to to Massanutten last September. Several months before we (it had to be like January or February) realized how severe his decline was. We moved the location to the beach because I just kept thinking about how much I love the beach and he was willing to do either. Fast forward to September: Chad's gone and I'm back at work. Didn't see that one coming back in January when I was making plans. Our long-term plans were to enjoy each other and watch our boys grow up. At this point, I don't feel like adding anything reassuring to that. I know I could say God's plan has always been different and it's always good--and that is true--but in this moment I just want us all to realize that sometimes life sucks. Sometimes things all go to poo and it's really crappy. I just want to stew in that for a minute.
I think there is a space for those feelings. Stop letting the Pollyanna in my mind pipe up all the time. She can be so annoying!! Just sit with me, Polly and let me cry it out and just agree with me. THIS SUCKS! Big time. All of the life I pictured is gone. My love is gone. It's a giant Crapfest.
But, as annoying as it is, God gave me some wisdom today. Completely out of nowhere. I didn't even plan this to be a part of the blog this morning. I think I was packing my bags to come home from the river, not thinking about anything in particular and BOOM---> I've been stewing and forgetting who He is. I've been consumed in my self-pity and not allowing myself to trust His plan. (UGHHH!! Girl, you don't know when to QUIT!!) When I am wallowing, I am forgetting that God does have a plan. This time, I'm not talking about Chad's death, I'm talking about my life. There is more life to live. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but I know it's not sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. That's understandable at times, but not worth wasting too much time on.
I had a plan to sit down and type up a memory of Chad, but this entry got broken into parts throughout the day and God started talking to me and derailed my original plan! (Sidenote in case it's not obvious: I am grateful for the times when He sheds some light on my circumstances.)
I won't disappoint though. I'll share some of Chad here. It's summertime and summer Chad might be my favorite Chad (if I could pick just one). I like to remember him on vacation, particularly at the beach. Our first beach trip together--was it 2007? I drove down to Hatteras after class (grad school, I think? Or was it work for Rainbow Station?). I was so run down from whatever busyness was going on in my life, but I was determined to get there. I stopped at the McDonald's (*gasp*) in Kitty Hawk for some dinner and called him. He was already at the house, staying the whole week. The group had been to Dirty Dick's Crab House (😐) and out shopping. It sounded like everyone was having so much fun, I couldn't wait to get down. So many miles to go!! So many trees and wildlife reserves! Crank up the JAMS, I'm on my way!!
When I finally showed up, he had bought me a pair of pajamas from the Life is Good store and had them on my bed for me. He was always full of surprises (maybe more of those stories later 😂) and of course so very sweet.
What I remember best about Chad at the beach--healthy Chad at the beach--comes in glimpses of him: suntan, salty skin, playing in the pool, baseball hat. Smiles for days. White t-shirt. Books and crosswords. Much more that's not blog-appropriate 😉😇.
Remembering is so hard. And so good. I don't want to forget a moment, but my memory is bad, I think I've already lost some. My heart breaks for the distance that naturally comes with time. But, I know it's necessary to heal.
I need to leave this all here for now and dive into a book. I'll catch up with you later! Goodnight, love y'all.
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